my previous post i'll leave up simply as motivation to not get so low again

will go to my doctor next week and get back on anti depressants
and i will begin exercising as a healthy outlet for my anxiety

i'm sure this will be all for the better
since i refuse to let myself get so bad again

i refuse to even consider suicide as an option

I'll post here since no one knows i still remember the password to this thing

I've gained weight again because ive been emotionally eating and then starving myself in disgust
i think i'll just stop eating because im sick of eating

eating is a waste why cant we exist without having to eat its such bullshit
i think its time to start a diet and i'll be hoping for less than 800 calories a day
when i used to do that i began losing weight so i guess my activity level really is low for me to get such a low caloric intake before i can lose weight
i usually eat 1200 calories a day so
thats obviously not working
not to add i hate my job
i hate my life
i hate my existence
everything is awful, everthing is the worst
my mom is pissed at me because im gonna move out
but what the fuck does she want im spending $400+ a month here on covering costs that she magiclly used to before i moved back
i just want to like
be okay for once
and not be a fucking troll looking motherfucker
and not be fat
and not be stupid
and not be irreponsible
and not be so fucking useless
im failing in every aspect of my life
i dont know why i dont just fucking end it all its almost like im waiting for it to get better
but all thats happening is i stopped taking my meds i get sick very often
i feel the osteoarthrits every day
and the osteoporosis is only a matter of time

lately ive been thinking about how id like to die
and i think car accident as i leave work
is my favorite so far
but i also enjoy the idea of the flu killing me that would be funny as shit
and maybe like
random heart attack
yesssss

either way if anyone asks im miserable and i hate my life and every moment im awake is a constant reminder of why i have no reason to be alive anymore

but maybe it'll change
maybe for the new year i'll be happy