Sunday, January 1, 2012
I've been increasingly stressed. Even on break I've been stressed. I can't sleep anymore, I wake up in panic attacks. I'm really just tired all the time.
Sometimes I consider the situations of my life- the things that are me and things that happen around me and I can't see a happy ending at all. I just can't. I am constantly depressed, i refuse to take antidepressants because I already take 4 medications, I don't need anymore. I'm tired of existing.
I'm hoping its just the shitty weather and my shitty life and my shitty everything that is making me such a shitty person every fucking day cuz I swear its like i'm turning my tires but i'm not going anyway.
I hate my drawings, I hate my everything. I hate that i'm sick all the time or that i am hirsute or that i can't go one day without pills without bad effects.
like i'm thinkin bout it, what do i have going for me. i am pretty fucked in life in every respect LOL just doing barely enough to not be the biggest failure in the world
i have brave friends who can handle so much stress and with a straight face and stiff upper lip
and here i am whining about this
i keep hoping i get diagnosed with some super fatal disease so then i could just stop trying to 'live' whatever that means
and just
go.
somewhere that isn't here?
mentally i'm ok
i guess
i'm just a little down today
and the fact that i have to go back to school is filling me with hate
only taking two classes tho so maybe it'll be okay
why did my supervisor schedule me to work at 7 fucking am after a huge fucking snowstorm omg
i hate opening and nothing will convince me otherwise
at this point i dont know whats gonna kill me first: disease, neglect, or just straight up suicide
which is odd since i've had suicidal thought before but never really contemplated it like seriously considered it as an option
but its to the point where i'm realizing i'm a burden to myself and others
while everyone is moving on and achieving things with their lives
i'm here at my moms on my laptop
typging a shitty post about my shity life
i'll probably feel better tomorrow
i wish i could just find my tablet pen
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You're not a burden :(
ReplyDeletenini you are not a burden 8/ are you really mentally ok if you're having pretty suicidal thoughts?? wishing for a fatal disease is pretty much the same thing i'd say. i do love you and care about you so i am a bit worried for you, but... nini please reconsider seeking a counselor or therapist. please try to ignore your pride about it, i'm really concerned for you and i don't want things to get worse :x
ReplyDeletei'm here for you but i'm also weak sometimes like now, so i guess i kinda worry things might fall through even though you def have more than just me to talk to. please consider ;_; i really want to help you but all i can do is try and find out dates and numbers for you...
you're oging through a lot of shit too, so it's not like you're whining about like.. your icecream falling on the pavement. :( tbh you aren't even whining! you need to rant moreeee I worry that things might bubble up or something i dunno ahjrehwejkh