i forgot how much i hate my birthdays at times
it has been a year
and im as useless as ever

my previous post i'll leave up simply as motivation to not get so low again

will go to my doctor next week and get back on anti depressants
and i will begin exercising as a healthy outlet for my anxiety

i'm sure this will be all for the better
since i refuse to let myself get so bad again

i refuse to even consider suicide as an option

I'll post here since no one knows i still remember the password to this thing

I've gained weight again because ive been emotionally eating and then starving myself in disgust
i think i'll just stop eating because im sick of eating

eating is a waste why cant we exist without having to eat its such bullshit
i think its time to start a diet and i'll be hoping for less than 800 calories a day
when i used to do that i began losing weight so i guess my activity level really is low for me to get such a low caloric intake before i can lose weight
i usually eat 1200 calories a day so
thats obviously not working
not to add i hate my job
i hate my life
i hate my existence
everything is awful, everthing is the worst
my mom is pissed at me because im gonna move out
but what the fuck does she want im spending $400+ a month here on covering costs that she magiclly used to before i moved back
i just want to like
be okay for once
and not be a fucking troll looking motherfucker
and not be fat
and not be stupid
and not be irreponsible
and not be so fucking useless
im failing in every aspect of my life
i dont know why i dont just fucking end it all its almost like im waiting for it to get better
but all thats happening is i stopped taking my meds i get sick very often
i feel the osteoarthrits every day
and the osteoporosis is only a matter of time

lately ive been thinking about how id like to die
and i think car accident as i leave work
is my favorite so far
but i also enjoy the idea of the flu killing me that would be funny as shit
and maybe like
random heart attack
yesssss

either way if anyone asks im miserable and i hate my life and every moment im awake is a constant reminder of why i have no reason to be alive anymore

but maybe it'll change
maybe for the new year i'll be happy

for the first time in years i cried today

i guess everything comes down to its 8 days before the end of the semester
and my laptop is shot
and i just really want to drive off the fucking bridge
i'm so tired of nothing ever working out
and i'm sorry mom for fucking having emotions
i'm sorry for wanting five fucking minutes to be upset
five minutes
fiveminutes is all i asked
i think i should just give up soon this is just me trying to make a good situation with something that'll never work out

I had a previous entry about self hate and all that bullshit but deleted it, hopefully before anyone read it. In its place I wish to say a few things:

I think it is time I've grown up and some letting people emotionally manipulate me. I'm not merely 'existing' as a friend so kindly said. I am alive, and living. I am not some husk of a human because I don't find enjoyment in sex and drinking. This same friend also told me that at any point I seem hesitant and cautious about my presence. Look, I may have social anxiety but I am not some shy shrinking violet. I make myself known.

I cannot believe I let myself become even more depressed over this bullshit. I am who I am, and while I'm in a bit of a rough patch, I'll fucking work it out. But I don't need people telling me that I'm not living. I am living. Every goddamn day.

To say the least, its time I confront a few people about the shit they do to me.